I work really hard not to rely on anyone. I think it’s symptomatic of being raised by parents who have really strong, stubborn and independent personalities. I can say though that my life doesn’t revolve around a single person or a relationship, but when I thought about it - like really go deep and channel my existential college self - the exact thing that I avoid can arguably be the root of everything I do. Because everything I’ve tried to do or anyone tries to do in life rather is in a way done for the purpose of being loved a little bit more right? And I rebel and fight it because the notion of having to rely on something so visceral and out of my control is terrifying especially considering the damage. Agh, hunogver on superbowl suday.
A couple of hours ago I went into the hospital to finish off the time I signed up for in the ER. It was relatively uneventful except for a young woman around my age who was admitted earlier today. She had bruises all over her arms and a swollen forehead, a black eye, and a band aid over her eyebrow. And she was a victim of domestic violence. of course I didn’t know this. You know, I just came in to take her blood pressure which is what they always tell us to do when they think we’re bored.
And we had a conversation about her kids and how smart they are and the school they went to which was close to the area I used to teach. And when I heard my nurse tell me about the woman and how she got her injuries, it just kind of - well I kind of shut it down. And then the nurse asked me if I was okay, and I said yea and continued doing whatever I was told.
If I Lose Myself (Alesso Remix) - OneRepublic
I’m trying to look for that post I made several years back - i think it was a private post - that documented my ridealongs with Oakland fire
but everything l I read
Cringe everywhere Dx I
Edit: Found it guys! It was next to megan fox and fat squirrel pic.
This is what happens when I don’t write often enough; I freeze up and spend the majority of the time agonizing over how to start the intro when my outline is pretty much ready to go
I ran 8 goddamn miles yesterday which is about 3-4 times more the amount I usually run. I told myself it was cool enough to run, I had enough energy from lunch, and plus I was feeling pretty good and we all know that the best times for cardio is when you’re feeling happy or miserable. So I put on my sunscreen, heading to the lake and realized 3.5 miles in that I had made a terrible mistake. The lake is only 4 miles away which isn’t bad, but considering the worsening weather, dropping temperature, and unexpected hills I knew that I bit off more than I could chew.
Of course, coming to this realization earlier than halfway through - I still treaded onward.
And then I realized:
everything I ever accomplished that was worth mentioning is due to sheer stubbornness. Not ambition, not willpower, but stubbornness. Environmental factors could also play a factor (sun setting in a sketchy neighborhood I’m running in). To say “NEVER AGAIN!” would be a lie. I am soo going to run this route again albeit with warmer weather and maybe longer pants.
San Diego’s bound to have another rainy day. We only had 3 so far and the standard is usually 7 days out of the year. I’ll probably forget about this completely and continue making decisions that will put me in situations that will get me sick soon enough.
A dean once told me that luck is when preparation meets opportunity. A professor told me that unless I can see those opportunities, there’s really no point in preparing for them.
I don’t know how I got so scared when it comes to making decisions. Why my self-confidence is shot when I talk about applications or my immediate future. I think a large part of it is a fear of being stuck in a state of quiet desperation. But my naive perspective makes me think the worst of a an already bad situation. I spent this past weekend hanging out with family and going to family functions. But really a lot of it was driving. Driving and having my cousins berate me for being a pussy.
I asked A, the pharmacist, what he thought about pharmacy and he told me that he didn’t want to do pharmacy. I asked him when he knew he didn’t want to do pharmacy, he answered “my first year of pharmacy school”, I asked him when he made the decision to stop practicing and he told me “the first year out of pharmacy school”. Now he’s involved in policy making for a private medical center on the east coast making BANK. This makes me happy;
This is stupid. C’mon people let’s make this work. We’re way too old to be acting like everything is still high school.