This is what happens when I don’t write often enough; I freeze up and spend the majority of the time agonizing over how to start the intro when my outline is pretty much ready to go
I ran 8 goddamn miles yesterday which is about 3-4 times more the amount I usually run. I told myself it was cool enough to run, I had enough energy from lunch, and plus I was feeling pretty good and we all know that the best times for cardio is when you’re feeling happy or miserable. So I put on my sunscreen, heading to the lake and realized 3.5 miles in that I had made a terrible mistake. The lake is only 4 miles away which isn’t bad, but considering the worsening weather, dropping temperature, and unexpected hills I knew that I bit off more than I could chew.
Of course, coming to this realization earlier than halfway through - I still treaded onward.
And then I realized:
everything I ever accomplished that was worth mentioning is due to sheer stubbornness. Not ambition, not willpower, but stubbornness. Environmental factors could also play a factor (sun setting in a sketchy neighborhood I’m running in). To say “NEVER AGAIN!” would be a lie. I am soo going to run this route again albeit with warmer weather and maybe longer pants.
San Diego’s bound to have another rainy day. We only had 3 so far and the standard is usually 7 days out of the year. I’ll probably forget about this completely and continue making decisions that will put me in situations that will get me sick soon enough.
A dean once told me that luck is when preparation meets opportunity. A professor told me that unless I can see those opportunities, there’s really no point in preparing for them.
I don’t know how I got so scared when it comes to making decisions. Why my self-confidence is shot when I talk about applications or my immediate future. I think a large part of it is a fear of being stuck in a state of quiet desperation. But my naive perspective makes me think the worst of a an already bad situation. I spent this past weekend hanging out with family and going to family functions. But really a lot of it was driving. Driving and having my cousins berate me for being a pussy.
I asked A, the pharmacist, what he thought about pharmacy and he told me that he didn’t want to do pharmacy. I asked him when he knew he didn’t want to do pharmacy, he answered “my first year of pharmacy school”, I asked him when he made the decision to stop practicing and he told me “the first year out of pharmacy school”. Now he’s involved in policy making for a private medical center on the east coast making BANK. This makes me happy;
This is stupid. C’mon people let’s make this work. We’re way too old to be acting like everything is still high school.
Cornershop-“Brimful of Asha (Norman Cook Remix)”
Tonight was a bit different since we only had one dentist come in. The experience was pretty fun though, got to see several extractions and crown installations. Dr. S was pretty good at walking me through it. But not enough for the surprise pop quiz at the end of the session. Gosh darnit. Of course, I also spent the better part of my evening talking about neurotoxins and AIDs medication with a patient who one of my coworkers suggested was on drugs. Overall great experience. It was a shame though, we only had one dentist come in which dragged out the procedures for longer than I expected. I did learn a lot and hopefully by the time I get to my 50th hour I’ll have learnt the names of instruments, tray setups, procedures, and clinic prep. The best part of the night? the patients were super grateful and really friendly! Though this might have something to do with no one being in immense pain.
I think I could really do this. It’s very interesting, comparatively low liability, and the potential of massive financial success is appealing.
Time to spend more money on Prep!
It wasn’t similar to the first time I watched a surgery, but it wasn’t dissimilar either. I would liken being in the dental assist chair to shadowing in the practice - except I did more and I couldn’t talk to the patients for obvious reasons. The biggest difference was that I felt a lot more confidence in the dental chair than i did at the practice. It might’ve been due to age and growth form my first shadowing experience in the clinic…2 years ago, but it definitely felt like this was something I could do for a long time. I could be really good that this.
Dr. S made it very easy to assist and I think being in that setting was the best first-clinic volunteering experience I could have. I learnt about the instruments, what the different types of fillings were, how she went about the procedure, and of course what it feels like to have to bend over a mouth all day. It was easier than I suspected. And the feeling like I could do this forever made this a pretty viable option as a career path. Now to figure out how I’m gonna get that elusive practice without getting over $1,000,000 dollars in debt combined with my eventual cumulative student loans.
Other than that I’m young and stuck doing old people shit so I’m waiting until it’s cooler to start training for a marathon (to be fair, many seniors around here participate in marathons and can outrun, outbike, and outswim me).
-Marcel Proust, In Search of Lost Time
This kind of explains a little of what’s happening. If I ever find myself under house arrest or stuck in a remote location. This is the book i need to finish reading =(
If I had listened to my parents more - actually listened and try to understand - I wonder about the person I would’ve become. Would I be more independent, more confident in my point of view, more ambitious, and more resilient? Or would I have been more dependent on their perspective, less ambitious, and less willing to take risks? It’s a gamble because I think it works both ways.
It scares me to see finally what it means to live on my own. To make decisions on what they should or shouldn’t know about my life. And to see how much I take their love for granted. Emotional safety blanket would probably characterize how I feel about them. Whenever I’d have an emotional breakdown or I needed someone to realign me back to neutral they would be the people I would call. Because they’d be able to fix everything without fail. Learning to live without that is very hard and it makes me wonder how I can start to rely more on myself. I take my great parents for granted.
For the last couple of days I’ve subjected myself to a small social experiment that gave me some insight into my frailties and my strengths. I learned that I underestimate my resourcefulness. I also learned that I tend to make decisions on a whim without thinking beforehand; this ends up biting me in the ass for good reason. I also learned that I never, ever, EVER want to be in a situation where others will dictate my future. Fuck that shit. It’s time to go back to school
Yea NOPE that was a stupid idea. See it would be a good social experiment had I been paid a lot, lot more than I am currently being paid.
Was the response I got when I goaded my younger sister into entering the Miss California and Miss Vietnam competitions.
She has a fighting chance! She’s cute. smart, role-model esque, ambitious, moderately politically correct, and better yet - she’s tall as hell (5’ 10”). Plus, she can work any situation that requires her to deal with people she hates (almost all the time) - which means she’ll be ideal for the pageant world! Her talent would be demonstrating parkour tricks (ninja warrior stuff) while balancing her checkbook and filing her taxes. It’s perfect.
If only she gave a shit